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This guy...

Followed me a little ways to work this morning and sat perched on a light fixture across from my office for a couple of hours.

Like he was waiting for something. (Maybe I looked like a corpse after the massive sleep-in last night)

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eff......

so I just got an e-mail from my mom who's Israel support charity has just contacted anivair's wealthy Jewish uncle and asked to meet with and give the sales pitch.

Oh yeah...they said they heard about them through me.

for eff's sake.

A really shitty part of me is coming to the surface. A part that kinda hopes they're right about the end times...so I won't have much longer to deal with this shit.
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Breakfast with Olympians: Day 1

So at the suggestion of several friends, I have decided to try and do a morning devotional to each of the Olympians to try and get better acquainted with the Pantheon.

This morning was Zeus.

Sadly, I wasn't very well prepared (and subsequently will probably do another mini devotional to him again).

I introduced myself, asked for guidance, familiarity and a connection to the olympians.

I think I want to try again tonight or maybe tomorrow.
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Tripping along the way...

So after a lot of things that have been going on in the last few weeks, I think i have some small epiphany to discuss.

I have been feeling low. Unnaturally so for the summer, when my mood is elevated and I am generally manic. I've been praying, reading, contemplating and ignoring at times. But I was speaking with anivair and it seems to me, that I am most at peace when I am following what I believe is my life's purpose.

What is that purpose? You might ask. Well, I'm not exactly sure. Hence a lot of feelings of being incomplete, unfulfilled, unhappy. What I do know is I love helping people, I love acting/singing and I love crafting. I have absolutely no idea how those things go together to make my path. But I know that when I think about trying, it makes me feel happier.

In the conversation I had with anivair, I related it to choir. When I was in choir, there were times when my ears and my body would hum. I don't know what it's called, but when you are in almost perfect unison with another voice, there is something about your inner ear and your head that seems to "hum" or "buzz". It was a rare feeling, but it was always somehow magical.

I told anivair that it was this feeling, or a close approximation, that I was looking for. When I do something that uses my skills and am able to give this energy to someone else, my soul "hums". It's a wonderful experience that I have far too rarely.

But I'm like a junkie for it. And when I don't feel it, I get depressed. I question my purpose in life, I feel that I am not living the life I was meant to live.

I am not sure what all of this means, but I do know that when I sit for hours at home on the computer, I feel lonely, sad, depressed. I feel that I've wasted another day I could be trying to bring a little bit of joy to someone. Time I could have been making a sculpture, or performing a monologue or sewing a garment.

I am going to try and spend at least an hour a day creating. I don't really care what it is, or particularly what it looks like when finished. I just need to sing and write and create.

Maybe I might end up with something that brings joy into someone's life.

(P.S. Thanks to Jim Henson, even though you're gone, to remind me it takes "Just One Person".)
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To Do

* Drop off Check @ bank
* Pick up prescriptions
* Drop off Joe's forgotten lunch
* Work on Ancestors portion of the DP requirement
* Put new checks in checkbook
* Pay Student Loan (6 months from paying off!!)
* Work on shawl at least an hour
* Work on song at least an hour. Ugh...this is kinda painful.
* Pack stuff for Lore Meeting
* Eat stew that has hopefully been deliciously simmering all day ew..not that good
* Pack foodstuffs for Comfest
* Make it to the Lore Meeting / Waters Prayer
* Call Nona

* Get compelled and apply for Bardic Guild Membership
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Finale......

So I broke down and bought a download version of Finale Note Pad.

Considering the songs are coming to me, and I need to put them down before they disappear....I decided to spend the $10 it costs.

I'm watching the download go slowly.....and I'm anxious. I haven't touched Finale since college and then it gave me supreme dread since I was a crappy score writer and didn't really understand theory all too well.

But I think for such a small investment, the benefit of being able to put some of my music to "paper" will really do my heart good!

18 minutes and counting......
dietpepsi

Inspiration....and authoring?

Okay, so after the weekend...I've really been sitting here, thinking about life.

(Sorry I've seemed so melancholy then profoundly inspired....it's part of being me...)

I've been thinking of the inspiration I've felt and seen and the growth of my personal and spiritual life and I think I am going to try and encapsulate it in a book. No, it's not a lame biography...but insights into how I learned to change my life.

Do I particularly think people want to hear what I have to say? Well maybe not, but I know I keep saying the same pieces of advice over and over again in my life and hope that maybe if it helped some people I know and care about...it can help others too!

I've never really finished more than an essay before, though I've been really inspired in the past. But I feel urged forward to try and inspire others and help them live lives with less drama, sadness and regret.

So now that I've made this decision...I'm just stuck at where to start. I'm going to try and write the major portion of an outline to see how many "chapters" I'd want to have.

Hopefully this will help!
  • Current Mood
    hopeful hopeful
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the worst sound...

is hearing my younger sister sob over the phone, begging me to help her talk to our mother.

And I am taken back exactly ten years ago....when I was in the exact same place.

I was 23, had pretty much no one and my mom was terrible to me about my decision to have my estranged father at my wedding.

In the last hour, I have spent it almost completely on the telephone with one, then the other then back to the first, trying to get the two of them calm. My mom has 30 years of unresolved anger, disappointment and hurt over my father, their divorce when we were toddlers and the subsequent drama over the years and it has boiled over into anger.

She said some terrible things to my sister about how shitty our dad is/was and tried to guilt her by telling her mom's whole family wouldn't come to her wedding.

It's frankly abuse....my mother is still a hurting 21 year old divorcee with two small children and a lot of hurt....so I feel terrible for her....but I know how my sister feels too. And I know one thing (if I've learned anything in the thirty some years of life)....and it's I'd rather fight for what i want than to have regrets about not doing it later.

I actually said to my mother that I am sorry her life was so hard on our behalf...but that I wanted my sister, more than anything, to have one damned day of it that wasn't torn in two.

And I told my sister (something I've never said before out loud) that I am sorry we had two kinda crappy parents, but that I'm glad I didn't have to go through it alone.

Hopefully the compassion I tried to give them both will give them some sort of peace.

For me, I have a terrible headache and want to cry now.